Adam Sandler has become a polarizing figure when it comes to making films. It seems to me that you either love his films or you totally hate them. There's no middle. Whatever happened to the, "Eh, it was alright," movie? It seems to have gone by the wayside with Sandler films.
Let's take "the good" for instance. He's been the star of movies like "Anger Management," "Mr. Deeds," "Happy Gilmore," and of course, "Billy Madison." All great and fun films... well, at least they were to me.
Now, you have "the bad." "Bulletproof," "You Don't Mess With The Zohan," and "The Longest Yard" were all somewhat terrible... but so what? I watched them. And I was entertained enough.
Then there was "Spanglish." This is one of the only movies I've ever walked out on. If I had a gun in the theatre, I would've eaten it. That's how bad the first twenty minutes of this film was. I honestly can't even tell you what this film was about because I was too busy punching myself in the face, disgusted with myself for having purchased a ticket to this wretched film. I'm sorry Mr. Sandler, but I must speak the truth. I'm a professional movie reviewer, and with great movie power comes great movie responsibility. "Spanglish" sucked out loud.
But I'm not here to rip "Spanglish." I'm here to tell you all about Adam's new film, "That's My Boy."
Right off the bat I'm going to tell you that it's rated R... and it deserves to be rated R.
Next I'm going to tell you, DO NOT BRING YOUR CHILDREN TO THIS FILM! Not even if you want to get them out of the house on a rainy day. It's not for children. If you want to entertain your kids, teach them how to play "Boggle," or "Twister." It's fun for the whole family!
And thirdly, maybe women and mature men may not want to see this movie. Hey, I'm watching out for you guys, the paying public. I'm just doing my job.
Now, what did I think of "That's My Boy"? I TOTALLY LOVED THIS MOVIE! I bet you weren't expecting that, eh? For all of you who don't know me too well, I'm an immature, single, solitary man who gets his kicks out of going to the movies four times a week... so basically, I'm a loser. And this is why I can look past the lewdness, the grossness, the ridiculousness, and the immaturity and see this movie what for it is. A lewd, gross, ridiculous, and immature movie, specifically made for me.
The film stars Sandler as a Donnie Berger, a 13-year-old boy who impregnates his hot middle school teacher and then has to bring the kid up on his own because the teacher/girlfriend gets thirty years for child molestation. (Good news though, they truly do love each other.)
SNL's Andy Samberg plays Donnie's son, Han Solo Berger, (great name) now a 25-year-old man who is a whiz with numbers and is about to make partner in the firm he works at. He's also getting married the weekend his father comes back into his life and tries to re-connect with him.
The story then follows the line of how Han Solo, (who has changed his name to Todd just so he would not be affiliated with his famous dad) tries to make his life as normal as possible while living with the MAJOR insecurities of being brought up by his infamous teenage father.
I'm not going to lie to you, the story gets a bit tasteless and revolting, especially if you're not into vomit and sperm jokes (luckily, I am). But just when you think you've seen it all, that's when it gets twisted. I'm talking about an incest story line. And no, I'm not talking about step-brother/step-sister stuff, I'm talking the real deal, the grossest of the gross. I mean, you really have to have a great sense of humor to see the forest through these trees here.
If you think you can deal with what I just told you, then I think you'll love this movie. I saw the forest through the trees, and I loved it.
Some big name actors are in this film. James Caan, Susan Sarandon, Nick Swardson and Leighton Meester all have large roles in this film. But the three that I think lit up the screen were Milo Ventimiglia, Vanilla Ice and Will Forte.
Milo, (who was Rocky's adult son in the movie "Balboa") plays Chad, a marine who is secretly a jazz dancer. He's also the soon to be brother-in-law of Han Solo... and a complete nut. T'was a great role for him.
Then there's Vanilla Ice. It's good to see Ice back at work, doing a comedy and laughing at himself. I've always liked the guy and he should've never been blackballed from the hip-hop/rap circuit. That guy could roll with the flow, daily and nightly. Would he ever stop? Yo, I don't know.
And Will Forte... just looking at this guy makes me LOL (laugh out loud). The way he talks is hilarious... and he was MacGruber, man! You have to love MacGruber!
Now, I don't like to think too highly of myself, (yeah, right) but I think Adam Sandler may have planted a spy in Norwood and has been taking a lot of my comedic life and put it on film with this movie. There are some eerie similarities between these characters and my life. For instance, Vanilla Ice runs around with a giant tattoo of himself on his back. I had a giant tattoo of myself put on my back, like, ten years ago! Then Donnie Berger has a giant tattoo of "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island on his back. I told my friends two years ago that I was going to get that SAME EXACT tattoo, right down to the little guy pointing to "da plane, da plane!" (Just ask Jason Foti, he'll vouch for me!) THEN, Han Solo has a giant tattoo of "New Kids On The Block" tattood on his back! And EVERYONE in this town knows how much I loved NKOTB back in the day!
Plus, I love beer, and I have a "thing" for older women too, just like Donnie... so I'm telling you, the similarities were uncanny.
Other than my life being plastered on the big screen, and me getting NO compensation for it, I totally loved this movie. I think HAPPY MADISON productions has a great movie on their hands. Unfortunately, most civilized, law-abiding, normal people will wait until it hits beta, or VHS, or whatever it is the kids are using nowadays, before they see it.
I have a funny feeling this film will become an instant cult classic.
So there you have it. You all now know a little bit more about me... but don't worry, I've got enough personal stories left in my noggin to fill a warehouse.
FINAL ANSWER: I loved this disgusting movie... but most of you won't.
Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.
Fun Fact: Rex Ryan plays Donnie Berger's agent in this movie... and his character LOVES Tom Brady and the Patriots! (Rex Ryan is the N.Y. Jets head coach in real life.) He was funny!
Fun Matty Fact: I think I've given you enough facts about me this week.