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BLOG: Matty's Movies on 'The Expendables 2'

Leave your brain at the door, you won't need it... but you WILL LOVE THIS FILM.

Are you a man? Are you a man's man? Are you a woman wanting to impress your man? Are you a woman who may someday want to become a man?

If you are any of the above, then I have the movie for you.

"The Expendables 2" is a man's movie. It's all adrenaline, all testoserone, all intestinal fortitude... and alright, it's all AWESOME!

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Now, I know what my loyal readers out there are saying right now. You're saying, "Wait a minute, he reviewed 'The Bourne Legacy' last week, and he hated it, but now he's reviewing this steroid-stuck gorilla film, and he LOVES it? What is the matter with Matty?"

Well my friends, sometimes you just need to go to the movie theatre to have fun. Sometimes you just want to sit back and not have to think. Sometimes you just want to see a dumb movie.

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But this isn't a dumb movie. It's a simple movie that's easy to follow. And hey, what the hell is the matter with that? I knew what I was walking into. I wasn't going to see "The Crying Game," or "The Usual Suspects." I wanted to see macho men be macho. I wanted to see guns-a-blazing and explosions and heads getting cut off. I didn't want to see Jason Bourne getting chased all over the world while I had to follow a plot. "The Expendables 2" gave me exactly what I wanted.

Sometimes you just need a "feel good" movie with no thought involved to make your theatre going experience enjoyable. You know what? I think I may have said this about another movie I reviewed in the past. Maybe it was "Project X" or possibly "The Three Stooges," I'm not sure, and I'm much too lazy to go look it up. Hell, I'm so lazy I wear Depends adult diapers to bed just so I don't have to get up to use the bathroom during the night.

And speaking of adult diapers, what an all-star cast of over the hill action heroes! I'm pretty sure at least a couple of these men slip on those plastic undergarments right after the early-bird special and right before bedtime.

But that doesn't mean they can't act. First I'll give you the story, then I'll give you the actors.

A group of mercenaries are hired to retrieve some plutonium that was stolen from the good guys, by the bad guys. The bad guys want to sell it to even badder guys so they can make bombs and blow up the world. So the mercenaries have to get the plutonium back into the good guys hands so the world doesn't get blown up. Now see, isn't that an easy plot to follow? Yes, yes it is... and that's why I liked this movie.

Now let's talk about the men!

Sylvester Stallone, (Barney) wrote the script and stars in this film too. He's the leader and he is somewhat soft-spoken (for Stallone).

Jason Statham, (Christmas) is his right hand man. He has some great one liners and he seems to have the brightest career going on at the moment (in real life). He and Stallone are best friends in this film and their bond is like a brothers bond. They look out for each other and at the same time, they razz and zing each other too (much like I do with my brothers). Their connection is the tightest in the film.

Jet Li, (Yin Yang). He isn't in the film too long but he is really good at karate and fighting with frying pans.

Dolph Lundgren (Gunner). He thinks he's a ladies man in the film, but in reality he's much like me, terrible with women. But the good thing about his character and myself is, we just won't quit... we'll hit on every lady until there are none left. 

Terry Crews. This... guy... is... JACKED!

Liam Hemsworth. He is the brother of actor Chris Hemsworth (Thor) and is engaged to Miley Cyrus. In this movie, he is "the kid" all the old timers take under their wing. They love him. He dies. Sorry. Basically, they needed some eye candy to get some young ladies to see this movie... and he was the Snickers.

Randy Couture, (Toll Road). Randy is a UFC fighter in real life and is decent in this film. He also has the most disgusting cauliflower ear ever. But I would never say that to his face... or to his ear.

Let's get to the heavy hitters.

Bruce Willis, (Church). He's still got it. He hits his spots and he can deliver a line. But I couldn't help but look at him and think he is slowly morphing into Rick Harrison from the TV show "Pawn Stars." Take a look and see if you agree with me. 

Jean Claude Van Damme (Vilian). Yes, "Vilian" was his name. And yes, he was the villian. I'm telling you, they made this movie EASY to follow! Please now, bear with me, I just HAVE to say this: Jean Claude Van DAMME IS HE GOOD LOOKING! (I've been saying that since 1988 when he starred in the movie "Bloodsport.")

Arnold Schwarzenegger, (Trench). I have loved this guy since "The Terminator." He can do no wrong. I don't care about his politics and I black out all the other indescretions. But as an actor, I totally love him. Put him in a movie and it will most likely make money. He has some of the best lines in this film too. It's great to see him back on the big screen after an eight year hiatus.

And finally, Chuck Norris, (Booker). Never have I seen a man take jokes about himself and incorporate them into a film better than Norris did in this movie. Nicknamed "The Lone Wolf," Norris showed up when he was needed most and then got the hell out of there, because he's a one man wrecking crew, and he fights alone! Whenever he came on the screen, I laughed.

Here's a little known fact: Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's simply by writing "Chuck Norris" for every answer.

Moving along. 

This movie was a delicious jambalaya of rocking chair action heroes. The movie absolutely worked. These arthritic actors did the action well, while at the same time had no problems beating on each others previous films. I mean, you just knew you'd hear Arnold say the phrase "I'll be back." But you never thought you'd hear Bruce Willis say, "You've been back enough!" And then Arnold follow that up with a "Yippie-ki-yeh!" It was priceless.

Dum-dum movies are good. You don't always need to be in deep thought to figure out a film is great. Look at "Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy." That was the "thinking man's" film last year, and it totally sucked! (But it was not as bad as "John Carter.")

So may I suggest something to you all? Turn off your brains, buy a ticket to "The Expendables 2," and go enjoy a movie for what it's worth - two hours of fun. You'll thank me.

Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.

Fun Fact: Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.

Fun Matty Fact: I am only afraid of one thing in this world - Chuck Norris.

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