BLOG: Matty's Movies: 'The Mattys'

It's that time of year again. It's the rump-swabbing season when Hollywood gets together, night after night after night, and gives awards to each other for being so wicked awesome. If I could infiltrate just one of these awards shows and get you some audio footage of backstage conversations, it would probably go something like this:

"Hey Mr. Clooney, it's me, Elijah Wood! I TOTALLY want to tell you how awesome you are! You were AWESOME in 'Leatherheads!'"

And then Clooney says: "Wow! Thanks Elijah Wood! That means a lot coming from you! By the way, I LOVED your giant, gross, hairy feet, when you were Gollum!"

And then Elijah says: "Yo dude, that wasn't me! I was a hobbit for crying out loud! I WAS FRODO! Did you even see my movie?!"

Then Clooney gets pissed and throws his 'fists of fury' in the air and screams, "Let's get it on, you dwarf!" And Elijah says, "I'M A HOBBIT! Now go get your boys Georgie, and I'll get mine! Then we'll have a good ol' fashioned "Green Street Houlligans" rumble!"

Just then, out of the blue, the gorgeous Kate Beckinsale walks by. The two childish imps stop arguing for a second and let their jaws drop to the floor. Kate turns to them, flashes a little leg and says, "Come on boys, the only awesome one here is me.... And you ain't getting none of this."

Yeah, I got to get myself to an awards show, toot-quick.

Which brings us to "THE MATTYS." Screw the Oscars, screw the Globes, and screw the SAG Awards. The only awards show that matters is MINE! The MATTYS are true, they are honest, and they are the only show on the East Coast worth tuning in for. I'm not kissing anybody's ass with my awards. If you sucked, I'm gonna let you know it. (THIS MEANS YOU, JOHN CARTER!) Now, if any of you famous folks out there are pleased with my voting on the MATTYS feel free to call and thank me... or not, I don't care. If you are displeased, and want to fight me, that's cool, I'm ok with that too. What do I have to lose? What are you going to do, take my laptop? Ooh, I'm scared! You can take my debt too... Just don't take my autographed Axl Rose poster. For that, I will kill you.

Ok, let's get to some MATTYS!

In today's column, I will be giving out the award for Best Supporting Actress. The way I do this is, I take the Oscar-nominated talent and I whittle it down to who I think deserves to win the MATTY. I may also throw in a couple snubs along the way too, since Hollywood can't seem to get it right. (Luckily, MATTY always gets it right.)

And the nominees for Best Supporting Actress are:

Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook). Sorry folks, but I don't know too much about this lady except that she was nominated in 2010 for an Oscar for the film "Animal Kingdom." (Never saw it.) In "Silver Linings Playbook" she plays the overbearing, treat-preparing, hovering mother of Pat, a mental case played by Bradley Cooper... Now, I usually don't like giving out a MATTY to someone who is in a movie that doesn't even deserve to be up for Best Picture, so... I most likely won't. Sorry Jacki.

Amy Adams (The Master). Amy has had a bright career so far in her young life. (She's 38.) Some of her acting accomplishments include "Doubt," "Enchanted," "Catch Me if you Can" and "The Fighter." In "The Master," she plays the tough-ass wife of a cult leader named Dodd (Phillip Seymour Hoffman). Although I wasn't too thrilled with the film, her acting was good. Will she win the MATTY? We'll see.

Sally Field (Lincoln). I said this two months ago in my article: This may be the worst casting call of the year. It's like having Carrot Top play Darth Vader. It just didn't work. I hated this call when I heard it, and I hated this call when I saw it. I thought she was too old and too out of touch with the younger movie viewing audience for this role... or any role. I mean, how many people know who Gidget is? Hell, I'm 42 and I don't even know who Gidget is! Her acting was solid in the film, but.... whatever. Can Sally Field pull off an upset and take home a MATTY? Stay tuned.

Helen Hunt (The Sessions). Here's someone worth talking about. Hunt played sex-surrogate Cheryl Cohen Greene in "The Sessions." She got paid to help severely disabled men lose their virginity, or even just have sex. I'm not sure where the line was drawn. Did they have to be virgins? I'm not sure. What I am sure of was it was a great film. But let's call a spade a spade here, she was a prostitute. I wasn't born yesterday and I don't live in a boot. If you give money to someone for sex, that's prostitution. There's nothing wrong with it, just don't shovel me horse manure and tell me it's chocolate pudding! Can Helen Hunt track down the elusive MATTY statuette? We'll have the answer... soon!

Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables). Hathaway, America's sweetheart is one of, if not the best young actress in Hollywood right now. Everyone wants to get their hands on her (including myself). Her role in last year's "The Dark Knight Rises" was 100 times better than what I expected. Usually Catwoman is a role that ends up totally biting it, (see Halle Berry's Catwoman) but she gave it some flavor that was much needed. (Much like salt gives flavor to a disgusting piece of lamb.) With her role as Fantine in "Les Mis," she went to great lengths to perfect her craft. She ended up losing a total of 24 pounds for the role. She sang like an angel too. And to top it all off, she cut her hair off also! (I made a wig out of it and I dance around my bedroom naked every night while wearing it... Don't tell her.) She was great in this musical but I'm not sure she deserves the MATTY. Just because you cut your hair off don't make you worthy of a MATTY. Just because you're thin doesn't make you worthy of a MATTY... Hey, she could be up for Best Song, but I'd have to give that one to Adele for "Skyfall." She has such a beautiful voice AND, I like a little 'junk in the trunk' on my women. So can Hathaway win Best Song? No way. Can she win a MATTY? Patience people, patience.

And finally, I'm going to throw my 'Matty Snub' into the ring. And that goes to: Emma Watson (The Perks of being a Wallflower). Emma played a senior who takes a young freshman with some deep underlying issues, under her wing and brings him into the world of high school, and real life. This was such a beautiful film. Very sad at times, but so is life. Emma's role as Sam was the brightest star to shine in a film loaded with bright stars. Unfortunately, the idiots at the Academy overlooked this film and it will miss out on some awards it deserves. (It is up for Best Adapted Screenplay.)

And the MATTY goes to: Helen Hunt. She deserved it more than any of the other nominees. I mean, she was totally nude throughout the film! And she acted exceptionally well while being nude! She wasn't laughing at all! She showed it all too, and that takes guts. It's fun being nude.

Runner-up for the MATTY: Emma Watson

Who WILL win the OSCAR: Anne Hathaway (Because the Academy adores her).

Who SHOULD win the OSCAR: Helen Hunt.

So there you have it. All worthy of a MATTY. But only one lucky gal can have a MATTY.

Stay tuned for my next post: Matty's Movies: "Best Supporting Actor."

Good night everybody! Thanks for reading! Don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses... I'm off to meet Kate Beckinsale at the afterparty.

Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.

Hey, I got an idea for all you fine, upstanding citizens out there, come to Facebook and watch our video reviews of all thes wonderful and sucky films! Friend us at "A Seat Apart: REEL REVIEWS."