BLOG: Matty's Movies: 'The Mattys'

Who's ready for another "Matty"? I can guarantee you, NOT the Town of Norwood. I think this town has had their fill of my shenanigans over the past 30 some odd years to last a millennia. I've left a footprint that cannot be easily scraped away. You couldn't quickly sand blast off my "G.I. JOE" graffiti from the Jr. High North wall. And so what, I burned the swamp down a couple of times (four times). Just look at how thick and lovely it grew back in. Beautiful plumage. Now, it's almost impossible for anyone to drink up there. The police should be thanking me because they don't have to chase kids through those treacherous goat paths anymore. And if they try to run, they get stuck in the thorns. (You're welcome.) Oh, and I stole a car when I was younger, but no one ever caught me... it's at the bottom of New Pond on the St. Tim's side. (I'm just kidding on that one... or am I?) Yep, there can only be one "Matty", and that "Matty" is me.

But I'm not here to talk about how awesome I am (we already know how awesome I am). I'm here to give away a "MATTY", the coveted large-nosed statuette given out to only the best of the best in the movie business. Last week Helen Hunt took home the MATTY for Best Supporting Actress. She called me right after and thanked the "Matty Academy" for acknowledging how awesome she was in "The Sessions." We are now dating.

This week, the "Matty Academy" will be giving away the "golden big-beak" (another name for a "MATTY") for Best Supporting Actor. Once again, I'll be using the actors that are up for the Oscar in the same category and deciding who, if any, deserves it. I say "if any" because, I can throw some actors into the mix with my "Snub Vote," since the regular Oscar academy is usually dumb as rocks and ALWAYS overlooks worthy compatriots.

So let's get to it.

And the nominees for Best Supporting Actor are:

Alan Arkin (Argo). Arkin played charismatic movie producer Lester Siegel, a Hollywood staple who agreed to produce a fake film for the CIA in order to sneak six American diplomats out of Iran during the 1980 hostage crisis. The film was great and Arkins's performance was even better. It was a very serious film and Arkin added some humor to it. (Which helped the movie immensely.) Some things you may not know about Alan Arkin: His middle name is Wolf, and he can not dunk a basketball.

Robert De Niro (Silver Linings Playbook). Mr. De Niro is no stranger to awards. He has won Oscars for "Raging Bull" and "The Godfather Part II." Now, with "Playbook" he's up for both an Oscar AND a MATTY. In his role as Pat Solitano Sr., he plays gambling addict who is a worse gambler than me. I mean, he puts money on a dancing competition for crying out loud! And also bets "parlays" which are the dumbest bets on the planet! Just man up and put $25,000 on ONE bet, preferrably a sporting event and not your son's stupid dance competition! Now I'm angry! Some things you may not know about Bobby D: His middle name is Anthony, and I can guarantee you he can not dunk a basketball.

Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln). Jones play Thaddeus Stevens, an abolishonist, and was also considered a radical during Lincoln's stint in office. I loved this character. I loved how he was in strong support for the freedom of the slaves. And I loved how he was in love with a black woman himself. I thought this was the best storyline in a film that also had my favorite president (and actor in Daniel Day-Lewis) in it. Know what I didn't love? His wig. It was terrible. I saw a bat fly out of it during one scene. If you look closely enough, you'll see it too. Want to hear some interesting stuff about Tommy Lee Jones? His middle name is Lee... and he can not dunk a basketball.

Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained). Ok, now we're talking. I think you all know how I feel about this man. If I had a womb, I would bear his children. (They would be artificially inseminated.) Waltz has only been here for a few years, but my God, has he made an impression in American film. In his two movies with director Quentin Tarantino, he has stolen the show from not just one, but two of Hollywood's heaviest hitters in Brad Pitt (Basterds) and Leonardo DiCaprio (Django). Let me say, that ain't easy to do. He's a refreshing face on screen and a magnificent talent when it comes to putting some zest into a character. And the best part? He is not a nazi. We here at the "Matty Academy" did some extensive research on Mr. Waltz, but we could not find out his middle name, so we decided to make it "Hasselhoff." Christoph Hasselhoff Waltz. It's got a nice ring to it. Oh, and we're not 100 percent sure, but we're 98 percent sure he can not dunk a basketball.

Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master). Let's get this out of the way right now, Philip Seymour Hoffmann CAN NOT dunk a basketball! But he sure can act. In "The Master" he plays spiritual leader, (or cult leader) Lancaster Dodd, a man with many followers, but none more impressed with him than Freddie Quell (Joaquin Pheonix). Hoffmann adds some flavor to his character and makes him quite interesting. I'm just not too sure with this role. (Or this movie.) But he was damn good in "Along Came Polly"... Well, we already know he can not dunk a basketball, but here's something you may not have known: His middle name is Seymour!

I'm going to use a "Snub Vote" now. There are so many talented actors, it's tough to pick just one. I mean, you have both Matthew McConaughey AND Channing Tatum in "Magic Mike," Stallone in "The Expendables 2" and how could you leave out Taylor Kitsch in "John Freekin' Carter"! But I'm going to go with Suraj Sharma from "Life of Pi." This kid is a newcomer to acting. He's been in absolutely nothing and he totally knocked me out of the boat with his role as Pi Patel. Dynamite performance in a dynamite film. Way to go kid. Don't get cocky... Oh, by the way, I don't think Suraj has a middle name. But he is the most likely candidate to be able to dunk a basketball.

And the MATTY for Best Supporting Actor goes to:

Christoph Waltz. Seriously, did you honestly think I was going to give it to anyone else? This man has a gift. If you haven't seen him act in either of Tarantino's films, then you are missing out on a great actor. Unfortunately, he can not dunk a basketball.

Runner Up: Alan Arkin.

Who WILL win the Oscar: Christoph Waltz.

Who SHOULD win the Oscar: Christoph Waltz.

So there you have it. The Best Supporting Actors out there, but only one can win the MATTY. Hey, If I could give them all one, I'd probably just give them all to Christoph Waltz. (Or to any single one of them that could dunk a basketball.)

Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch my next article to find out who wins Best Actress, Live, at "THE MATTYS"! (Play my theme music now as I blow kisses to the audience.)

Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.

You better be watching "A Seat Apart: REEL REVIEWS" on Facebook! Google us!