Matty's Movies: 'Spring Breakers'

Joe Francis deserves to be paid royalties for this movie... You know why? Because half of this film is a complete rip-off of his straight to dvd, "Girls Gone Wild" videos.

And the other half of this film is a mesmerizing look into the seedy world of sex, drugs, alcohol, and gangstas while on spring break in Florida.

Put those two elements together and you've got yourself one powerful, sexual, and extra-terrestrial film... And I totally loved it.

Now, I will tell you right from the start that this film is not for everyone. It is definitely not for children. It is also not for old fogies who are out of touch with reality. This is a film with a lot of illegal activity going on in it. And once again, I totally loved this film.

But it was definitely not what I expected.

I kind of went into this film with the thoughts that this would be another popcorn type teeny-bopper movie. You know, a somewhat lighthearted movie that the fans from "Mean Girls", or maybe even "Twilight" might enjoy. Hell, it stars two clean cut Disney girls in Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez.

Well my friends, they ain't too clean cut anymore. These two girls pushed the envelope and broke away from their squeaky clean images with this flick. Let me give you the rundown on it.

Four college girls want to, no wait, NEED TO go to Florida for spring break. They think that it will change their lives for the better if they go. Well, these four kittens can't legally scrounge up enough money to make it there, so they do some shady things to get the money and 'dee-dee-mao' to good ol' F-L-A.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg for these delinquents. Once they hit St. Pete's it's no holds barred for the chickadees. Its all about boozing, getting topless, hooking up with anybody and everybody, and doing drugs. And I'm not talking those little, innocent bong hits of weed, I'm talking "heavy duty snorting 'rails of cocaine' off of other girls tight, bare tummies" drugs. And these parties are mental. These are your "Charlie Sheen, Axl Rose, Matty Kelley" 'trash your hotel room to smithereens' type parties... DANG, they looked like they were having a good time!

But like we all know, (especially me) all good things must come to an end. The par-tay gets so out of control that the po-po, the boo-coo, the pigs, the bacon, the fuzz, the Five-0, the G-Men, the heat, or whatever it is the kids are calling the police nowadays, show up and start arresting the guilty, including the girls.

Now we get into my areas of expertise, court and jail. The judge sentences the girls to pay a fine, but they don't have any money, so it's back to jail for the lassies. Man, sitting in jail sucks. I've had to do it for weekends at a time. You get biffed on a friday night, get thrown in the clink, sober up, and then you've got to sit in there for another forty hours! Oh, man, it totally bites! Major depression hits you when you're sitting in jail and have nothing but time for your brain to do some thinking... I felt bad for the girls.

But low and behold, a knight in shining armor bails them out! (You know why? Because they're hot.) And who is the knight? An all crunked out, grill wearing, corn row stylin', pants around your ankles, almost impossible to recognize "gangsta" named Alien. (James Franco)

Alien is a gangsta with a heart of gold... Ah, bologna! He's just a gangsta! He's got the teardrop tattoo, a "$" tat on his neck, and he smokes blunts like a chimney... He's a gangsta who brings the girls right into his web of lies, deceit, guns, drugs, and miscreants. And Alien falls in love with the chicks... And some of the gals fall in love with him too. Thats where it gets weird... I mean, weirder.

I'm telling you, this is a wacked out movie... And I totally loved it.

Needless to say, shenanigans ensue and all goes awry. There's girls getting shot. There's a lot of crying. There's an awesome three-way. And there's a lot of breasts. A lot. If my calculations are correct, I counted over 47 different pairs of breasts throughout the film. And just when you think it can't get any weirder, Alien and the girls break out into a Brittney Spears tune! And a terrible one at that! (The song was "Everytime".)

Then we get to the climax... And... lets just say, the ending fits the story.

And I totally loved this film.

I will say one thing about James Franco. I sort of bad mouthed him last week in my review of "Oz", and then he comes back and hits me with this..... AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF! Franco was dynamite in this film as a gangsta, hustla, and just a plain old dirty bird. Personally, I think its his best acting since "127 Hours" and "Pineapple Express".

And one more thing. Selena Gomez' character's name was Faithie, and that's my sisters name. Now, I like to think of myself as somewhat sane, but in one scene Alien was being real dirty and mean and creepy to Faithie. He was touching her face and stuff. For some odd reason, I wanted to get up and punch him right in his silver chicklets. It took me a second or two to realize I was watching a movie, and it wasn't even my sister! But I felt like he was messing with someone in my family. Is that weird? Sometimes my brain is really, really messed up... Is there something wrong with me?

Anyways, I totally loved this movie.

Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.

Fun Fact: Here's some more fun slang terms for "police": campo, city kitty, brass, donut commando, paco, bat-belt, flattop, Johnny Hopper, and whoop-whoop. 

Fun Matty Fact: I was once taken into protective custody overnight for being a drunk. The next morning when I was allowed to go home, the police gave me back my belongings... It was one black comb, 37 cents, and one giant pink and purple stuffed dinosaur. I had to walk home from the police station carrying that monstrosity! All the way up Nahatan Street to Silver Street! Thats a freekin' long hike to be carrying a giant dinosaur! Yeah, I'm a winner.