We got to get right to this MATTY. I hear there's a storm on the horizon. A blizzard. Everybody's got to get out and purchase their Nineteen gallons of milk, twenty-two loaves of bread, and four dozen eggs before this whopper hits. What are you going to do with all those groceries? Seriously, once the first flake falls are you going to bathe in a tub of milk? Or are you making 900 slices of french toast so you and your family can survive on breakfast during this devastating 24 hour long storm? Or maybe you are all just mental cases, listening to weathermen tell you to load up on these products just in case you're stranded in your house for God forbid, 72 hours. Let me tell you, if you're stuck in your house for three days, I guarantee you will not need 17 pounds of butter! (or whatever it is you got to buy mass quantities of.)
And I'll ask you another thing. When are the weathermen ever correct? I've been a planetorial beautificationist for over seventeen years now, (I plow) and NOT ONCE have they ever been right... ON ANYTHING! I've sat up for nights on end, waiting for the snow to fall, just because they have said "we'll be getting 2 to 4 inches overnight." Or, I'll just lay in bed, wide awake, staring at the ceiling all night long, because I can't sleep because these idiots who get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to tell me the forecast are ALWAYS WRONG! I mean, there's been PLENTY of nights where they have forecasted an inch or two, and guess what? NOTHING! And the ONE time they actually get it right, all they do the next day on television is stand there and say "See, I said 2 to 4 inches and we got 3 inches, so yep, I'm right. That was me, I got it right! I'm the best weatherman!" Personally, I want to fight them all. I would like to have a good old fashioned "Outsiders" greasers (landscapers) vs. Soshes (weathermen) rumble and the winner gets the Doppler radar machine. I know FOR A FACT that if I had that Doppler radar machine I could figure out the weather, NO PROBLEM! Weathermen, much like "John Carter" suck! I just hope I have one weatherman out there that reads this dumb column and wants to chat, because I have a few choice words for him! And also for Dick Albert, Bruce Schwegler, Barry Burbank, Todd Gross, Pete Bouchard, Don Kent and the dependable, reliable Kevin Lemanowicz! (Mish Michaels, you're all set.) I kid you not, I know firsthand, landscapers HATE weathermen. They irk our ire.
And the nominees for 'Best Actor' in a motion picture are: (and I'm going to make this quick because I'm fuming about weathermen right now.)
Bradley Cooper. (Silver Linings Playbook) Why? Why is he even in this category? I don't know. He plays a loon in this movie, and the voters at OSCAR play loons in real life. Okay acting, okay movie, okay, enough giving nominations to this ridiculous film. ENOUGH ALREADY!
Daniel Day-Lewis. (Lincoln) Great actor! One of the best actors around. But the movie was too slow for my liking and Lincoln had way too many monologues. Okay film, great acting, I loved the stovepipe hat... And here's something for all you morons out there: Lincoln gets killed in the end. (Seriously, some of Kobe Bryant's friends did not know this.)
Hugh Jackman. (Les Miserables) Jackman's got talent. He can play a variety of roles. He can be Wolverine, or a comedic actor in "Movie 43", or the songbird Jean ValJean/prisoner 24601 in "Les Mis". I like him. He seems cool.
Joaquin Pheonix. (The Master) Not that great of a film at all. But Pheonix deserves a nod for his acting. Unfortunately, the story was somewhat forgettable, which in turn makes his role forgettable. I miss River Pheonix. He was unforgettable... and dreamy.
Denzel Washington. (Flight) "King Kong ain't got nothing on him!" Denzel brings all his characters to life. From "Training Day" to "American Gangster" to "Inside Job", I have always fallen in love with his characters. And as Whip Whitaker in "Flight", he truly captured the essence of a drunk/druggie. He most definitely deserved an Oscar AND a MATTY nomination for this role. Can he win? We'll see.
I'm still pretty pissed off about weathermen right now so I'm going to just pick an actor off the top of my head for my "Snub Vote". And that will go to:
Mark Ruffalo. (the Avengers) No superheroes ever get picked for best actor. Ruffalo played the Hulk in this film. And after two mediocre performances by two different GREAT actors as the Hulk in previous films, (Eric Bana and Edward Norton) I think that Ruffalo finally got it right. (the writing for him was splendid also.)
And the MATTY goes to:
Denzel Washington. Of course the MATTY was going to him! I wouldn't have given it to anyone else. I connected with his character deeply, on sub-atomic levels. I mean, me and Whip Whitaker were cut from the same cloth, except that he's black and I'm white! But we are both drunks. And the truth of it all is, WE finally accepted it, and now its time to move on.
Runner-up for the MATTY: Daniel Day-Lewis.
Who WILL win the OSCAR: Daniel Day-Lewis.
Who SHOULD win the Oscar: Denzel Washington.
So there you have it. All your best actors vying for the MATTY. Yet only one could go home with it... You're welcome Denzel.
Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.
One more 'MATTY' to give out: "Best Picture". I can't wait to get it over with and get back to reviewing movies.
FUN MATTY FACT: Sorry, nothing "funny" about this "fact": Weathermen blow like hurricanes.
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