Matty's Movies: "Captain Phillips"

I've been on the road for the past two weeks, touring the country and checking out some of America's greatest wonders. I've seen Niagara Falls, Graceland, The Badlands, Mount Rushmore, more corn than ever imaginable, and so many cows that I've started to develop udders. I'm not done yet. I've still got to hit the Hoover Dam, the Grand Canyon and Vegas-baby before I reach my final destination of Los Angeles, where I hope to land an interesting job in the entertainment industry. Hell, I love movies, why not do something in film? (while of course, still writing my movie reviews.) That's the plan, do something that makes me happy, right?

Well, you know what makes me happy? Movies man! You know what else makes me happy? Malls. And I got to see a great film at the greatest mall ever. The Mall of America in Minnesota. The place has everything in it, including a freshly baked Nestle's Toll House Cookies kiosk, a Ninja Turtles ride and a dynamite roller coaster.

And it has a movie theatre. What a great combination, movies and malls. It's perfect. Anyways, I saw "Gravity" there. And it was spectacular! I loved the 3D. The weightlessness 'special effects' were awesome, and the story of survival was inspiring to say the least.

But, I'm Matty Kelley, and I'm not going to talk about that film today, because I also was in Denver and caught ANOTHER film while on my journey. Hey, you can't keep this movie maniac down. Not even if I'm travelling the country and seeing the sights. I NEED TO SEE MY MOVIES!

So, while in Denver I saw the film "Captain Phillips".

Do you want to know right away what I thought of this film? Too late, I'm telling you... It was incredible!

"Captain Phillips" is the true story of the ordeal that Capt. Richard Phillips endured while cruising his merchant vessel through international waters off the Somali coast back in 2009.

Capt. Phillips (Tom Hanks) sets off the deliver fresh water and food to poor countries in Africa, on his ship, the Maersk Alabama. Now this isn't no rinky-dink boat, this is one of those huge cargo ships that carry those big, metal containers on them. You know the ones that long-shoremen need cranes to load them on to the boats.... Yeah, it's a big ship.

Somali pirates end up boarding the ship and take the vessel over, only to later be taken over themselves by the crew. And then finally taking Capt. Phillips hostage as they de-board via a fully enclosed lifeboat.

This is where much of the story takes place. It tells of how Capt. Phillips dealt with the pirates, without getting himself killed, while at the same time keeping his crew out of harms way. It also focuses on the rescue mission set up by the Navy, especially the Navy SEALs.

Now, unless you've been in a coma for the past 4 and a half years (and I'm truly sorry if you have been) then you all know how this film turns out. But it isn't knowing how it ends that's great, it's the will and determination of ALL the players involved. Good AND bad! Everyone wanted it their way, but it could only end one way.

So let's get to the players.

Tom Hanks as Captain Phillips? I don't think it could have been cast any better. The man has love for his craft and he seemed to put his heart into this character. Capt. Richard Phillips should be proud with how Mr. Hanks portrayed him. (I'm assuming the real Richard Phillips was just as cool and calm as Hank's character.)

Michael Chernus played Shane, Capt. Phillips' right hand man, asst. captain, junior captain, first mate, I don't know what you call him, but the guy Capt. Phillips always called when they were in trouble. He was great. I don't know who he is as an actor, but he held his own with Hanks. He was not "one-upped" by the better known actor.

Arrrrrgh! Let's talk about some pirates! (and I'm not talking about a young Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla.)

Barkhad Abdirahman (Bilal) and Barkhad Abdi (Muse). Right off the bat I'm going to guess that "Barkhad" is "Michael" of male Somali first names... And their last names are pretty similar too! (just add a "rahman" to one of them and you got the other guy!) Anyway, Abdirahman (Bilal) was wonderful as the sort of newcomer to the pirate crew, but he was not dumb or naive at all. He knew that in the long run they were screwed. And he was pretty evil.

And finally Abdi (who played Muse, the pirate leader.) This man showed me some great acting range. He was a man who needed money, and would do just about anything to get it. Yet you could see that he had a soul inside there. He just didn't seem to want to kill Captain Phillips. Yes, I know that if he had killed him, then that would be his ticket to death. But I loved how he didn't make his character pure evil. At some points he just seemed immature and young and just.... lost. Call me crazy, but I loved what he did with his character. (And boy, did he have a look to him.)

Now did the film have flaws? Yes, but not many. Some of them you could control and some of them you couldn't.

First, as the Somali pirates get close to boarding this GIGANTIC ship, powerful firehoses douse them with water. Yet as soon as they board the vessel, they have dry cigarettes behind their ears! Now come on, I've played in softball games and the second one drip of sweat got on my butt, that thing was done! It just wasn't believiable to the cigarette smoking public out there. And us cigarette smokers want the truth, dagnabbit!

Secondly, this ship was HUGE! The pirate's vessel was a rowboat with a motor on the back for crying out loud! And there were four pirates! There were 20 crewmen! I know the pirates had guns but gimme a break. Once the pirates hooked their ladder on to the ship, all they'd have to do is crawl to where it was hooked and wait until they got almost to the top of the ladder, then jump up and kick them in the face until the fell into the ocean. Then they would be all done, forever!

And thirdly, and this is no fault of anyone except the Good Lord and freezing cold water. Tom Hanks has the biggest nipples I've seen on a man in my life.(and I have a buddy named Al who has huge nipples, so I've seen big nipples.) Not since Farrah Faucet posed for Playboy years ago have I seen poppers like these. Now don't get me wrong, it's no big deal at all, it's just that I notice mundane stuff, and I like to write about what I notice, that's all. And trust me, we all have our flaws. That's what makes us unique. If you ever saw what I looked like, the first thing you'd say to yourself is "Man, that dude's got a big beak!" And then you'd eventually see my chins and think I was a bullfrog. But what can you do, that's life. God made us in his image, so be happy with who you are and what God has blessed you with.

Tom Hanks, you are the man, and you have a great film on your hands. I really believe you could be up for a best actor nod with this role. Congratulations on another job well done.

And you have great nipples.

Matty W. Kelley, 'A Seat Apart Productions' reporting.

Fun Fact: Tom Hanks auditioned for the role of Joel in "Risky Business" (1983) That role eventually went to Tom Cruise.

Fun Matty Fact: To put it into perspective of how big my nose is, when I was at Mt. Rushmore over the weekend some random man asked me if they sculpted George Washington's nose from a picture of mine... Seriously, another couple asked me to move my snout so they could take a picture of the great landmark.

I'm really starting to believe I may have a large schnoz.