Matty's Movies: "It's Shower Time!"

Most of you out there on planet Earth know me as Matty W. Kelley, professional movie reviewer. You are correct. I am a professional movie reviewer, and I'm the 2nd best movie reviewer in the entire world.

But just because I review movies doesn't mean that I don't have other interests. I do. I'm a very complex and unique individual. I'm a character. I know this because my mother always said to me, "Matty, you're a character!"

Well, today I'm going to break off from my movie reviewing expertise and tell you about something that is near and dear to my heart. It's something that I pay close attention to and I feel needs to be brought up in conversations all around water coolers across America.

Today, I'm going to be reviewing my brother Colin and his wife Kate's AND my sister Faith and her husband Dan's showers.

Yes, I said showers.

You see, I live out in California now, and when I come home to visit I get the luxury of being able to stay at my family's houses when I travel back east.

The best part of this is I get to hang out with my nieces and nephews. All of these kids are top notch, well behaved, smart, cute, polite, and funny children. They are brought up the right way by their parents, and I'm in town just to corrupt them for a couple of weeks so they can keep Mom & Pops on their toes. Hey, we're not all angels, and I want to show the kids the good side of being bad.

Then, after three weeks of me "Mattifying" them, I jump on a plane and head back home while the parents have to go straight to work and undo all of the problems that I have created.

I find this both fun and funny... And that's why I'm Crazy Uncle Matty.

But let's get back to the important stuff, their showers.

I'll start of with Colin and Kate's rain-room.

Let me tell you, there is no funner shower than this colorful, porcelain Metropolis.

As I stepped over the tub's glistening white half-wall I was whisked into a rainbow of amazement! There was a beautiful psychedelic bathmat on the floor that was there to keep me upright and safe. But that was not in the cards because, also in this tub were some of THE BEST bath toys I've ever seen in my life! I mean, they had EVERYTHING! The chance of me just standing and showering went quickly down the drain. I needed to sit and play with the Darth Vader, Boba Fett, and the Bubble Guppy action figures that surrounded my feet. As I took the Fett-Man for a dip I noticed on a shelf that there was Cookie Monster ready to kick and splash too! But before Cookie could even cannonball in, Optimus Prime "american crawled" into the picture! I'm telling you, it was getting crazy in there! You know what was even more enjoyable? The warm water running out of the spout was coming directly from a plastic Elmo bubble bath that covered the nozzle! It was just too cool.

Just when I thought it was time to grow up and be a man again I saw this soap. But it wasn't ordinary soap, it was multi-color painting soap! You could write on the walls with it! You know what I did, right? I "tagged" that whole bathtub with my gang colors! (Crips 4-Life!) Colin and Kate were going to need the Norwood Police Gang Unit Task Force to clean up this joint!

Anyways, I finally had to get out of the shower because the whole family needed to use the bathroom. I was in there for over two hours. I came out looking like a prune.

I give Colin and Kate's shower 4.95 out of 5 rubber duckies. (It would've been a perfect score had they not been pounding at the door for over an hour.)

The next day I jumped on a plane to Virginia to visit Faithie and Dan. They thought I was coming down to visit with them and hang out. But I was on a mission. A mission to find my favorite family shower.

As I was picked up at the airport, my sister Faithie asked me, "How was your flight?" Well, right there I knew that was my "in". I knew I had her right then. My reply was, "Man, that was a tough, hot, and sweaty flight, I think I need a shower!" She said, "Jump in the waterbox when we get home."

And that's exactly what I did.

As I walked into the house my two nephews and my niece were eagerly awaiting my arrival. They were ready for some big hugs, but I said "You're gonna have to put those hugs on hold kids, cuz Uncle Matty needs to take a shower!"

I went upstairs and got ready to do some shower reviewing.

Let me tell you, as I pulled open that shower curtain it felt like I was sliding open the pearly gates to a dewy heaven. The was the brightest, most glowing ivory white as far as the eye could see. I was truly a heavenly sight.

I sprung over the bathtub half-wall like I was on a skateboard. I stuck the landing. The first thing I did was look around at the vast ammouts of shampoos, conditioners, moisturizers, soaps, fragrances. Anything that would enhance your showering experience was in there. I didn't know where to start, so I started where most mature adults would start. I poured out the cup of toys and went to work playing with Captain America, Wolverine, The Green Goblin, Mickey Mouse C3P-O, Artoo, and The Penguin.

After a while it was time for me to review this shower. My first dilemma was which shampoo should I use?

Well, since my sister is a professional hair stylist I figured I'd take advantage of her knowledge of everything mane related. I reached for the most expensive bottle. It was Biolage, by Matrix. I lathered my hair up and immediately my head felt like it was on top of a mountain, eating a Peppermint Patty. It was orgasmic.

Just when you think it couldn't get any better, I put my noggin under the shower head and OH MY GOD! The water pressure was INCREDIBLE! I never thought I could be in such bliss until that very moment. This shower had a nozzle that should be used at the circus to wash elephants down with! Trust me, it was splendiferous.

I followed that up with the matching conditioner and my coiffe was off to the races.

Believe me when I say this, my shower was DEFINITELY worth the price of the plane ticket! (Plus, I always use Dan's soap all over my body, so that makes me laugh too.)

I give Dan and Fathie's shower a 4.95 out of 5 rubber duckies. They would've received a perfect score but they didn't have any painting soap that you could write on the walls with. (I think I know what I'm getting them for Christmas!)

So there you have it, two reviews of my family's showers.

If you ever get a chance to use one of them, I STRONGLY suggest you do. You will not be disappointed.

I'm Matty W. Kelley, reporting live from the the bathtubs of my family's houses.