Someone needs to be put down for this film. And when I say "put down", I mean killed. Placed in a hole and covered with dirt. Wiped off the face of this planet. Layed on a table and injected with cyanide. Dragged out into the middle of the desert and left for dead. Drawn and quartered. Taken out to the town common and hanged. Whatever's got to be done has got to be done. But make no doubt about it, someone needs to pay for this catastrophe of cataclysmic proportions.
Someone needs to pay. And right now I'm the only one who has. I'm the only person who paid $13.50 to see this disaster of a film. You see, this is my problem. I have a hard and steadfast rule that I will only review films that I see in the theatre. "Sharknado" was a SyFy "made for TV" movie, so I thought that I was in the clear. Now I'm being serious here, when "Sharknado" was playing on TV, I received numerous emails, texts messages, and post cards from all over the world to review this film. But I said that I can't, because it was not playing in the theatre.
Like I said before, I thought I was in the clear... But you IDIOTS blew it up all over the internet and social media! Next thing you know they're putting it in the theatres for a one time, midnight showing! Now I have to see it, because it's my job!
So that's exactly what I did. I went to the midnight showing, all by my lonesome, and saw "Sharknado".
I couldn't believe it, there were three other people in the theatre too. I said to myself, "Hey, I'm not the only chump here." I later realized that the three other people were SO HIGH on marijuana that they could've been watching "Schindler's List" and they would've been laughing their asses off at it. I could smell the hemp from the last row. They had a bag of popcorn the size of a Prius, and they ate it all. It's funny what drugs can do to you. I think these three stoners actually liked the movie. They clapped at the end! (That's what woke me up and let me know the movie was over.)
Anyways, here's the gist of the flick. A mammoth hurricane is pounding Los Angeles. The city is being flooded for at least six miles inland. The storm is also creating "waterspouts" (tornados over water) and lifting thousands of sharks out of the Pacific Ocean and tossing them into the city. And then the sharks are attacking the civilians on land... and in the air too! (Yeah, I just wrote all that rubbish.)
Oh yeah, you need a story to fill in the whole "shark debacle", so a man named "Fin" (get it?) has to save his divorced, spaced-out wife, his whiny daughter, and his son, (who looks older than him) from these flying terror-fish... And that's your plot. Wasn't that just terrible? Well try seeing the movie.
Let me tell you what I thought of this film.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ARE YOU 'BLEEPING' KIDDING ME?! Who allowed this? Who gave this the green light? He or she needs to be black-balled from Hollywood. There was NOTHING redeeming about this film at all.
This film was offensive. It was offensive to intelligent people like myself, that pride themselves on NOT BEING DUMMIES!
I bet you want to know why I despised this film. Well, because someone made a movie that they thought they could sneak by me like a high fast ball and get away with one. Too late, I caught what you were tossing.
The story was ridiculous. If you happen to be one of the lucky ones that know me, then you know I LOVE a ridiculous movie. (Hell, I thought "Freejack" was awesome.) But this goes way beyond terrible. Even I have a line I won't cross. This movie was on the other side of that line.
Next, the FX were beyond primitive. This movie had a one million dollar budget. Where did you put it? Up your nose? Did you guys snort the budget away? Because the way this movie flowed was like you were "speedballing" throughout the entire making of this film. I could've made this movie with a flip-book and stick figures and it would've come out better than this... And it would've only cost ten bucks.
Now, let's get to the actors.
Ian Ziering. He played 'Fin Shepard', bar owner, ex-husband, hero. He was the second best actor in this film. (There was a stick better than him.) I can't look at this guy and not call him Steve Sanders (from Beverly Hills 90210.) I look at him and I bust out laughing though. I keep thinking Sanders! There was a scene where he is surfing and he completely reminded me of Greg Brady surfing in Hawaii. You never see the surfboard or the water, just him with his arms out, all wobbly, and a close-up of his mug just smiling away. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
John Heard. He played 'George', the town drunk. This is a role I'm familiar with. Take it from me, he played it poorly. But it didn't matter, he gets eaten by a shark ten minutes in. One thing I noticed though is that when they had to grab a weapon to fight the land sharks, he grabbed his bar stool. I thought that was funny... Well, John Heard, you were in "Home Alone", "Big", "Awakenings", and now "Sharknado". Way to go brother, all that hard work and all you'll ever be remembered for is "Sharknado".
Cassie Scerbo. She played 'Nova Clarke', the spitfire, horny for Sanders, (and eventually his son) bartenter. She was the silver lining in this bomb. She's cute, and she was pretty good at her role as a tough chick. She can (kind of) handle a gun. I hope this film doesn't ruin her. She's too young to be kicked out of the business so soon.
And Tara Reid. She plays the confused, lost soul, ex-wife 'April Wexler' in this film... And to be honest, I'm not even sure she knew she was in this movie. I kid you not, there were scenes where she just happened to be strolling by so they kept her in the shot. She had no emotion at all. Tara, listen to me, when you see your boyfriend get eaten by a hammerhead shark, shed a tear or something! I mean, come on!
Have you ever seen the movie "Bowfinger" with Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy? This is where Martin films an entire movie around its star (Murphy) without him even knowing it. This is how it felt with Tara. I think the director would just film scenes around her and hopefully it would work... Well, it didn't.
Yes, this is all bad. Everything I said is bad, but to lay all the blame on these actors would be too much of a cross for one to bear... I blame their agents. If my agent ever said "You HAVE to do this film!" I would punch him in the face, then drop to my knees and punch him in the scrotum. Because being in this film should be a career ender.
But it isn't going to be. Do you know why? Because you IDIOTS went on the internet and told the world that "This movie is SO BAD that you HAVE to see it!" You said "It's the BEST worst movie ever!" You said "It's so bad, it's good!"
Well IDIOTS, I'm the professional movie reviewer here, and I'll tell you EXACTLY what it is: It's the WORST worst movie ever! And it's SO BAD that being on fire would be better! And it's SO BAD that no one should ever see this movie again.
But thanks to you idiots, there's a "Sharknado 2" coming out in 2014... Give yourselves a big round of applause. You've now made this world, and everyone living in it, dumber for having watched this movie.
My name is Matthew W. Kelley, (one of only a few intelligent people left on this planet) from 'A Seat Apart Productions', reporting.
Fun Fact: Anyone who liked this movie is an idiot.
Fun Matty Fact: I am not an idiot.
Always end with a joke: Why'd the shark go to the bar?........ To meet his chum.