Matty's Movies: 'The World's End'

I am the best movie reviewer in the world. Period.

Okay, let me revise that. I am the second best movie reviewer in the world. There is only one movie reviewer out there that is better than me. Do you want to know who that is? It's you!

We're all movie reviewers, right? You don't go to the movies to see a film and hope that I like it, do you? Let me answer that for you: Of course you don't! You go to see a movie with the hopes that YOU like it. Who gives a hoot what anyone else thinks. Hell, if I lived my movie-reviewing life that way, then I would have had to hate "Freejack". (Which I personally think was a fantastic film. Kudos to you Emilio Estevez, Rene Russo, Mick Jagger, David Johanson (A.K.A. Buster Poindexter) and Sir Anthony Hopkins.)

But I do realize that you value my opinion on films, and I thank you for that. But let us remember, this is only one mans opinion, and I will always only give you MY opinion on said film. If you have an itch to see a movie, go see the movie. My opinion and your opinion could be WAY off on opposite ends of the spectrum.
That being said, I am NEVER wrong. So keep reading this article on my review of "The World's End".

"The World's End" is an English film about five men in their late thirties getting back together to conquer a pub crawl (that they never finished twenty years earlier) through their home town. The challenge is to have one pint in twelve different bars in one night. When the five men return to attack the challenge, they begin to realize that as much as things have changed, many things are exactly the same. Eerily similar, to a fault. Well, after a few pints they begin to realize that their town has been over run by aliens. This doesn't stop the leader of the gang, Gary King (Simon Pegg) from finishing their goal.

Many obstacles arise during the evening, But Gary is determined to finish. He seems to think if he can attain this accomplishment then his life will somehow get better.

The five men also have problems with each other. Some don't drink. Some drink too much. And some are just way too "out there". But basically, this is what the story mostly revolves around.

Did I like this English film? Well, that's where my opening paragraph comes into play. I don't think I did. But there were quite a few people in the theatre that seemed to like it.

Do you want to know what I think? Sure you do, you're reading my column. I think the writers of this film were trying to write a comedy, and at the same time, trying write a deep, thought-provoking, Oscar worthy film... when all they should have done is write a comedy. I think the people in the theatre were either Brittish or trying to pretend they more intelligent than me, because they were laughing at parts that weren't funny. The audience seemed a little too snooty for me.

After I saw this film I was quite perplexed. I decided to get a second opinion on this film. I called an 'up-n-comer' film reviewer named Becky (my sister. Yeah, it flows through our blood) and asked her what she thought of the movie. Without hesitation she said "It sucked!" I said "Becky, watch your mouth or I'm gonna tell Mother when we get to Heaven, and she is gonna kill you!" But basically, I got the answer that I was looking for, then I abruptly hung up on her... like usual.

You see, the English are wackos. That's why we left England on the Mayflower and came here. We didn't need that snooty, snobby, uppity attitude, so we decided to start fresh over here.

Also, the English are ugly. I mean, their acting in this film was pretty good, very good even. But seriously, when you're making Simon Pegg the handsome stud of the film, something's got to be wrong. I mean, how does the heirarchy of 'gorgeousness' go over there? Daniel Craig, then Simon Pegg? It just didn't work for me. Seriously, how many "Simons" do you know that are studs? Simon Cowell?, Simon Rex? Simon & Garfunkel? Carly Simon? I mean, they're all cool guys, but not "leading handsome-man" material.

And that's another reason we left England. We wanted to start a good looking country. That's actually how the Revolutionary War began. I think it was King Henry the Fonda and Queen Elisabeth Perkins who tried to ship some of their ugly people over here to infiltrate our gorgeous colonies. But we weren't having it. We said, "Get your ugly asses back to England, and don't you show your St. Bernard mugs over here anymore!"

And that's how we won the war and became the free and best-looking country in the world. (Look it up, it's in all the encyclopedias.)

Another thing I didn't like about the movie? Twelve pints in twelve bars in one night? Are you kidding me? I do that in Norwood bars before I head in town to Boston for the night. Come on, that's too easy.

Me and four of my childhood friends could easily do this. All we'd need is someone to follow us around with a camera, and you'd have yourself a hilarious, Oscar-caliber movie. It would be me, Spitbrook Johnson, Skillet, Mongo, and 5-Bombs. First, I would be the stud of the gang. Usually this would be Spitbrook's role because he could pull more tail than a monkey in a cat cage. But I want to be the stud for once in my life, and it's my movie, so I'm gonna the stud. Mongo would be the happy-go-lucky, rotund, glasses wearing geek that everyone loves. 5-Bombs would be the heavy hitter of the crew, keeping an eye out on everything, just in case I get out of hand. (Which I usually do.) And then there's Skillet, the shy, handsome man of the crew. His shyness is an attraction to the ladies. (Little does he realize that his head is the size of a beach ball.)

And that would be the posse that could, would, and someday will make an Oscar-winning comedy. Our only problem? One beer, twelve bars? I guarantee you it would be twelve beers, twelve bars...You see, we're so cool people want us to hang out in their bars with them. It ain't easy to leave. (Unless of course you're me and you get kicked out for taking your clothes off.)

Well, I'm just about at my wits end about "The World's End".

So no, I didn't like this film all that much. And I'm not too high on the English either.

But hey, I do love their muffins.

Matty W. Kelley, 'A Seat Apart Productions', reporting.

Fun Fact: The English pilgrims gave blankets riddled with small-pox to the American Indians, wiping out entire tribes of Native Americans... You know what? We're going to call this a "Sad Fact", and not a "Fun Fact".

Fun Matty Fact: My favorite indian ever was Chavez E. Chavez from "Young Guns" fame... And my favorite pilgrim ever was John Wayne. Okay, he was not a pilgrim, but I loved the way he said "Hey pilgrim". (Youtube: "Family Guy John Wayne Joke"... You'll enjoy the way he says it too.)