Is this movie "good for the soul" or "head for the bowl"?

It seems that every time I head out into the streets of Norwood, flocks of adoring fans are rushing up and asking me two specific questions: First, "Mr. Kelley, can I get your autograph?" (which I always oblige) and second, "Matty, how come you've never given a movie a bad review before?" Well folks, today's your lucky day.

Tuesday night I couldn't sleep so I decided at 9:45 p.m. to throw on my movie slippers and head on down to my home away from home, the cinema. I had a couple movies in mind to see and I said to myself, "Whichever one is playing first will be the one I see." My choices were between "Contagion" and "Warrior." Contagion was playing at 10:05, so that was the lucky movie that received my undivided attention.

"Contagion" is about a deadly disease that spreads rapidly across the planet, becoming an epidemic, and how us humans try to contain it, control it, and eventually cure it... This movie made me sick, and not in a good way. This movie was an airplane barfbag filled with vomit.

Steven Soderberg, (the man who gave us "Oceans 11") directs this snooze fest, and a slew of Oscar winning actors help carry this movie. But they didn't need award winners, they needed a giant bulldozer to carry this film straight to the cemetery and bury it!

If I had the opportunity to have Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Marion Cotillard, Laurence Fishburne, and Jude Law all in the same movie, I would make darn sure that there was a script before I started filming it!

In this film Matt Damon lives, but I don't care because his character is a boring dolt.

In this film Gwyneth Paltrow dies - poorly too. I mean give me something I can enjoy! Maybe a flesh eating virus, or... or... or... or something other than the way she died, which was stare at the camera and be motionless. BORING!

In this film Kate Winslet contracts the disease and gets very sick... and then I forget what happened to her! I'm assuming she died but it couldn't have been that interesting because I can't remember!

In this film Jude Law and Larry Fishburne either live or they may have died, I'm not sure, because by the end of the movie I was ready to die. 

If you want to see a movie about an epidemic that could annihilate mankind, rent "Outbreak" starring Rene Russo and Dustin Hoffman. I haven't seen this movie in a long time, but I am sure it is a better film than "Contagion."

Before I end this review, I just want to tell you all that I will be seeing "Warrior" tomorrow, and I can guarantee you that it will be 100 times better than this disease-riddled movie.

So there you have it, a "Matty W. Kelley" bad review. Don't get used to 'em, because my heart belongs to the cinema and it hurts to badmouth my babies.


Matthew W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.

Colleen Reynolds September 17, 2011 at 08:52 PM
I will contact mr. Soderberg immediately regarding wasting your time....
Steve Heylin Jr. September 19, 2011 at 06:07 PM
Is Contagion the new Freejack?
Matty W. Kelley September 22, 2011 at 12:07 AM
thank you Teach, i knew you'd have my back.
Matty W. Kelley September 22, 2011 at 12:15 AM
there will never be a movie nearly as good as freejack, mr. heylin... see you at c.y.o.


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