Every so often a movie hits the theatres and it has you on the edge of your seat, but not in a good way. You're on the edge of your seat because you can't get out of that theatre quick enough! I found this year's winner.
"New Year's Eve" is quite possibly THE MOST TERRIBLE MOVIE EVER MADE!!! I'm serious, this movie had me ripping the seven strands of hair I had left in my head, out! I was saying to myself, "How could anyone sign on to this script?" It baffles me folks, it completely baffles me (and wait 'til you hear who's in it! We'll get to that little chestnut later).
The story follows a whole bunch of people getting ready to watch the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's Eve.
Now you'd think that maybe one of the 78 overlapping stories of these characters evenings would be interesting, but come over my house right now and watch me type six words a minute, and I guarantee you that this more exciting.
I don't know who directed this hand grenade of a film, but that may be a good thing for whoever it is, because I'm ripping him a new one right now (in print)!
What they tried to do with this film was create the movie "Valentine's Day" and just change the setting... it didn't work. At all! It was kind of like "Crash," but absolutely horrific ("Crash" was great). You know what? "Valentine's Day" was kind of terrible too. Why would someone want to make a terrible movie more terrible?
I went with my brother Donald, and about 3/4 of the way through the movie, I stood, threw my arms in the air and screamed "I'm done!" I then proceeded to walk out of the theatre. Unfortunately, my brother was laughing so hard he couldn't get up to leave with me. Eventually, I had to put my tail between my legs and go back in and finish the movie. 'Cause that's my job!!!
Now let's get to the actors...
Robert DeNiro, you were in "Goodfellas," man! What were you thinking?!
Michelle Pfeiffer, aren't you an Oscar winner or something? Did someone hit you over the head with a shovel and just throw you in this film?
Cary Elwes, of "Hot Shots." You were great in "Hot Shots." Stick with "Hot Shots!"
Hilary Swank, now I know you've won an Oscar. TWICE! What did you say to yourself before signing on? "Hmmm, I think it's about time for me to do an incredibly crappy and completely moronic film. That'll up my stock."
Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, you two couldn't pick a movie script if it was a giant green boogie inside your nose!
Zac Efron and Lea Michele, who are you two people, and why did you ruin my Saturday afternoon? I've never done nothing to you... yet.
Jon Bon Jovi... Really? 'Nuff said there.
Jessica Beil, you wrecked a perfectly good face with this film.
Seriously DeNiro, you were my idol, man!
Common, there was nothing "calming" about seeing you in this train wreck.
Sofia Vergara, you're lucky you have looks. Sarah Jessica Parker, unfortunately, you don't.
Abigail Breslin, you're too young to pick on. You got your whole life ahead of you. Don't let this movie end your career.
And Josh Duhamel... dude, you were in "Transformers!" And now this?! Do you know how many people I'm gonna have to answer to for this? I had you up there with Ed Norton and Ewan Mcgregor!!! You were upper echelon until this. I got a lot of work to do restoring your name. Get "Transformers 4" out tomorrow, and let's put this sad chapter behind us, OK?
So in closing, did I like "New Year's Eve"? Well, I will literally cut my two thumbs off and give this sad display of a movie two enthusiastic middle fingers straight up!
Matty W. Kelley, Norwood Patch, reporting.
Fun Fact: THIS MOVIE SUCKED!
P.S. I also saw "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol." Both OUTSTANDING films (especially "Dragon Tattoo"). I will be reviewing those very soon, so don't get your panties all in a bunch. Peace out.